monkey off my back

One guy's experiences as he quits drinking

Sobering problems in the bedroom

3 Comments

Ummm… Sex – often doesn’t get spoken about a lot in online sober blogs.

Most of my life is better since quitting alcohol. I feel much more mellow and less volatile. I can concentrate more. I sleep better. I’m less anxious. I don’t feel ashamed anymore. I feel really great… except for one thing.

My libido has disappeared and I just have very little sexual interest. If it was just about me, that wouldn’t be a problem – but I’m in a long-term relationship (over 20 years).

My partner is supportive, he’s very handsome and we enjoy spending time together. We’re also very physically affectionate… but I just don’t feel the sexy mojo at the moment. Without the desire I have problems performing in the ‘downstairs department’ – which puts a dampener on our sex life. I literally can’t get it up if I’m not in the mood.

At first I thought it was just a short term issue and that it would resolve. BUT – it’s been more than half a year now. We still have sex now and then – but it can be very hit and miss.

My partner normally has a slightly higher libido than me – but now we’re really out of synch. I know it’s driving him a bit nuts and I’m worried about the long-term impact on us.

He has said that he was worried that I’m not attracted to him anymore – and that he’s worried that I was looking around at other people. HAAA! I don’t have the libido to think about having an affair!

I’m really hoping that it’s a temporary phase while my body/brain chemistry is normalising. It’s been an enormously difficult year for me (drinking, relationship, family death, work). It’s almost like my whole psyche wants a rest – somedays I think I could quite happily live on a desert island by myself for a month.

It would be great to hear if anyone on the interwebs has useful links or tips about how to ‘restart the fire’. Anyone had a dip in libido after quitting  – how long did it last for?  I’m at the point of just going to my GP and asking for Viagra – it might not restart the desire but it’ll help keep my partner happier and my relationship more solid.

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3 thoughts on “Sobering problems in the bedroom

  1. This is probably quite normal – I have actually heard this from lots of people, how many lose their sex drive completely for a while. I mean, I’m certainly not the sex beast I used to be drunk, hahaha. First of all, booze is an anaesthetic so it’d make perfect sense that in order to feel the same level of pleasure you’ll need more….ahem… VIGOUR to achieve it when you’re hammered, no? Sorry to be crass here, but to “get there” requires lots more work when I’m drunk than it does sober. Fact! Secondly, if you’re anything like me, you’re not the same person sober. I think back on stuff Drunk Me would get up to and it’s the sort of thing you’d look at from behind a sofa cushion. 🙂 I have no good advice but I suspect you’re probably right in how both body and mind need to adjust to sobriety, as I said I’ve heard this before. And I can relate to how you just want a rest – I really feel that way too, stopping drinking is a massive freaking thing!! I can relate to this but I imagine it’s a temporary adjustment and I’m sure your mojo will return. Just be open and honest with your partner (which is sounds like you are) and ask him to be extra patient whilst you adjust and catch your breath. BIG HUGS. Anna x

  2. It happens quite a lot. There is actually a book about the subject somewhere.
    A friend of mine went to do a tantra course with her hubby to find out her new self again. That was very good for both of them. It was an official, serious tantra course about love, connection and boundaries, not only about sex.
    Thing is with drinking; alcohol deletes boundaries and without boundaries everybody is everbodies friend. Without alcohol, so with presence of mind and heart and boundaries… things become ‘peculiar’ :-D. I’ve been sober 4 years plus now, it is about now that I can start to enjoy sex again – but WAY different than I did, a lot of hugging and connecting and massaging and telling what I like and how I like it. And setting boundaries. I notice if I cross a boundary I regret it for a loooong looooong time and I don’t feel like sex or anything physical or intimate. But then, I have it easy, I start with a new friends with benefits relation, that is obviously way different from having a relation changing.
    In my very much not so humble opinion: how is Viagra not another drugs to make things the way the are not? To not feel what you are actually experiencing? To make ‘go away’ what is? I say this because I think this way of thinking of ‘having to be available’ when they are not, actually seriously damages people. 😦 If you quit drinking and your whole psyche wants a rest: take a rest. There is no such thing as ‘a right to sex’.
    xx, Feeling

    • Oooh….. I deleted some parts and sentences of my way to long reply to shorten it and now I barge in there with a ‘watch out for Viagra’ thingy. Hmmm… sorry. My abbrasive side is strong in me today. 😦 Got yelled at in traffic twice yesterday. Should have known. :-/ Sorry. Well, message is still the same but the way of putting it….
      xx, Feeling

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